| last entry |
[31 Jul 2004|12:37pm] |
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this is my last lj entry... this whole thing just seems so unnecessary.. i wish it could be a true journal... i dont want to have to be careful about what i write in this...
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| hope |
[30 Jul 2004|02:51am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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watching aqua teen |
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this morning sucked...mom calls at ten a.m.(three hours after i got to sleep finally) bitching at me... of course.. and i couldnt get back to sleep... so im running on three hours.. still...but on a lighter note.... i finally gotta job.. at chile's....never thought i would be working there... lol... kind of a spur of the moment kind of thing.... dont really know if i really WANNA work there...but its a job and i need it... and if i can find a better one... then ill go to that... lets hope a hot topic will open in chesapeake square finally... i hate hot topic mind you... but its the only place that i can look like i normally do and i dont have to look ridiculous in some blue jeans and a black shirt.... tucked in for whatevers sake! AH! well ill tell you this much... i will strive to be the best damn busser chiles has ever seen! lol.... how prestigueous.... ick... but i dont have to worry about money as much anymore... but i do have to worry about insurance payments and things of the like...and hopefully getting a place of my own... well not of my OWN.... but with friends... but thats all for now i spose... made some new friends... good peoples... and if i hear shit talked about them... goddamnit... i will kill...anyways.... im prolly not going to sleep now... gotta go to the damn dmv in the morning to get my license...
and then i have to get the car fixed/inspected.... blah... i hate ahving shit like that to do...... but i live in america.....
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| 6 am |
[27 Jul 2004|06:12am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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something from mona lisa |
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havent slept since yesterday.... i hate doing that... woke up at three yesterday.. that could explain it..... im at thomass house at the moment... watching him play phantom crash... i like it... gotta cool robottttt... anyways... prolly going to the mall again today to waste yet even more time... and maybe see what the hell is up with spencers... im losing hope with getting that job honestly... its just not looking good...my cell phone broke the other day.... i can use it now as a pager... ugh.. gotta get another new one... i hate cell phones... thomass parents are gonna think it odd when they come downstairs and the first thing they see is me. lol... so i think i will go to my room in a few... after i do this... hmmmm.. id like to work in the porn industry... lol.. well... not as a pornstar persay... just in a porn shop... i think it would be funn... or maybe ill have to resort to prostitution... cuz im losing hope on this shit... ugh..and there are no porn shops within walking distance... so there goes that idea... and on a non related topic... the person that i was referring to in my previous entry still doesnt know who they are... cuz they are aggravating me... blurg... im gonna go wait for his parents to wake up and leave...
----------------------joshness
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| attempting to update |
[25 Jul 2004|02:54pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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suicide commando |
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yep...updating lj....everytime i do this it seems more and more....unnecessary....i just dont see much point to keep this thing. but anyways...shits looking up....might be working at spencers soon... got my thing to get my license...stress is suddenly decreasing...and there isnt a whole lot left to put in here...aggravated at someone... and they dont know who they are.... but i do... bleh... youre so fucking confusing... but yeah... im going...
dont care too much about anything anymore.
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| ((ellipsis goes here)) |
[19 Jul 2004|12:05am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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assemblage23----"silence"" |
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Like a tide recedes from rocky shores
I drew back no matter how much you implored
I have failed to see the beauty here
Everything I loved has disappeared
Silence
I want you to know the thoughts
My mind contains
I want you to feel the rage
Pulse through my veins
I want you to see the anger
In my eyes
I want you to feel fear
For your own life
I want to see the tears
Fill up your eyes
I want to see you beg
And apologize
I want to walk behind you
Without a sound
I want to burn your body
To the ground
CHORUS
Don't let my silence
Bother you
I'm only seething
Don't misconstrue
Silence as safety
As security
There's an explosion
Inside of me
I want you to know the depths
Of my disgust
I want you to learn
The meaningless of trust
I want you to rue the day
That you were born
I want you to feel the fury
Of my storm
I want my silence to keep
You up at night
I want you to know the hatred
You incite
I want you to sit and listen
To me scathe
I want to dance upon your
Sorry grave.
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| FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUCK!!!! |
[09 Jul 2004|12:48am] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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music |
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none |
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well i just learned that i have to be out of the place i am living at by the end of next month.... if anyone knows where i can stay or who i can stay with.... i cant go back home.. just wont happen... so at the moment i am fucked.... and am hopefully going to be working at urban pretty soon... like next week.... hopefully jamie will hire me... lol... but all this is my fault i spose... but yeah.... outness..
-------joshness
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| -_- |
[07 Jul 2004|08:26pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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vnv nation "genesis" |
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currently sitting at home... not HOME home... just.... a residence...my domicile is about 2 miles away... sometimes i miss it... sometimes i feel bad for leaving... buuuut its too late now... whatever happens to me thats not good its my fault.... so i deservve no sympathy from anyone... and im tired of bitching... so why do i do it? cuz i spose there is nothing else to talk about... ive fucked up nearly everything in my life thus far.... well... almost everything serious... and there are people now that i wish i had never met... and they arent making my life any better.... i just know one thing... that something is wrong... i am not fine... i wish there wasnt always something wrong... and i wish there was something i could do about it... its just... that way... and it seems like i cant do anything about it...and i dont think there is.... im just depressively ranting...now i need to eat... blah.....
-------------------------------------------joshness
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| . |
[25 Jun 2004|03:59pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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hmmm well i havent updated in a while.. since last time i posted the following things have happened: graduated... went back to that fucking stupid job i was working at last summer.... left home and quit job... now i am living at my friend thomass house..other than that nothing has really been going on... me and thomas bought a tv last night.. or... i did... but hes gonna give me the other half of the money when he gets his check... and i applied at starbucks.. and things are looking good with that.. i never know what to write in these things
------------------------------joshness
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| badtz maru |
[03 Jun 2004|11:15pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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past few days have been excessively non eventful.... last night spent the night at nicks house... he took me ((tried to take me)) to mcdonalds but they were paving the parking lot... lol.. and the guy in the steam roller tried to hit us... and thennnnnnnnnn school was ok... came home...me and pam and anjle went to macarthur center and i got a badtz maru messenger bag thingy from the hello kitty store!! i got it after i cashed in all my change which was like over 30 dollars... and then afterwards i got some things for some others... ;) annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd came home... the car issue is possibly starting to actually clear up here... and that is good... so ive been alright today... i love this damn bag!!!!!!!! but anyways... i am outness...
-------------------joshness
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| weekend update with joshness |
[30 May 2004|01:48pm] |
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mood |
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relieved |
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well this has been quite the uneventful slash eventful weekend... all the drama that has been happening has cleared out WAY quicker than i thought.... me and nick are good and me and brooke are good... we got shit straight and all that yesterday which made both of us excessively happy slash released..everything is fine in all of that area... but there is still the car issue... that is shitty.. but its the same as it HAS been.. so im not going into that.. but other than THAT im doing well.. im hopefully meeting andrea today! we are going to go to fujis and stuff... twill be fun!!!! but her mom is being... not at her house... so.. that complicates things.. so yeah.... ummmm im doing well now... about the only thing giving me gray hairs is the car issue...outness
---------------joshness
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| and though my mind is cut by battles.... |
[28 May 2004|12:03pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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DJ Kaycee----Escape (fast rave mix) |
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last night was the most realeasing night i have ever had... i just never expected it would happen so soon...because this was the worst thing.. i was expecting to dwell on it for a while longer... but its over now... nick and i have gotten through what i thought we wouldnt get through... and brooke says that if it will stop me from hurting anymore than she will leave and go to indiana.... and i think that is for the best... but i do not think she is going... everything she has is here... she has little in indiana.... why would she do that just for me... just so i wouldnt hurt.... as much as i would like to believe it... i dont... but... she says i will believe it when she is gone...i do love her still.... but at the same time i hate her so damn much.... but the opposite of love isnt hate.. its indifference...and i do wish things were different.. i do wish that we could have gone with the plans we had made... but its all too late for that now... but everything is gonna be ok... so there it is... the current state of existence....
----------------joshness
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| this is the worst pain that i have ever felt in my life.... |
[27 May 2004|02:41am] |
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mood |
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 enraged |
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you fucked my best friend you filthy whore.. you told me that you loved me and i believed your lies.. all of your lies... i know you DID cheat on me... with jon... and then.... you start talking to my BEST FRIEND.... for days before we broke up... then...on the day he comes back... ya fuck him! my best friend! how now will i look at him the same??! how now will i enjoy his company like i did!?! how can anything ever be the same with him and me!?! i do love him... i did forgive him... but that does not cancel out this pain... not to mention the fact that you told me you still "love" me today... and that you wanna be with me... i knew it was all a lie... why did you tell me that though... you couldnt have loved me... my own best friend... sorry will not fix anything... nothing you say can fix anything... i hope you feel youve accomplished something because this seems to be what you do to your boyfriends.. fuck them the fuck over... in every way you can find... and you have done to me what noone has ever done.. and what i thought would never happen... especially with the person that it happened with... i just dont know how else to put this all except that i hate you so fucking much... i really honestly wish that you were dead... why did you do this to me...what in your right mind.. wait you dont have a right mind.. because youre fucking insane... i cant talk anymore... i have become sick with this... i just cant believe you did this to me...i have never been this hurt in my life...
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| ...and so my walls are down... |
[26 May 2004|05:45pm] |
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mood |
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distressed |
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music |
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Assemblage 23-"Disappoint" |
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**sigh** well it has happened... i let down my walls... like i knew was gonna happen.... noone believed anyway that i would keep on having nothing to do with her...because i am always ok with people that i hate after a while.. and i hate myself for it.. i can never hold a grudge.. but perhaps that is a good thing... but i DO hate me for it.... the only grudge i can hold is the one i hold against myself... i cannot change as much as i say that i have and as resolute in my anger as i say i am.... it never stays... but i knew this shit would happen.. the events of today...im an idiot you know...and i dont know what to do about this situation.. there are options... that is all i will say...and major repercussions (sp?) and there will be regret for about two of the three options i am facing at the moment.. i wont say what they are.... why is it ME who is always faced with such fucked up situations... im sure though.... that lots more people have faced worse... but i feel very alone at the moment.... ugh... goneness...
--------------------------------joshness....
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| I PUSH MY FINGERS INTO MY EYES |
[26 May 2004|04:52pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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oooooo mother fucking k... stresssed the fuck out.. there is someone that i want to leave me the hell alone... i currently want nothing to do with them... and i wasnt saying shit about them.. i was relaying what I was told... and i knew that they werent gonna do what i was told they were gonna do... so quit assuming shit... and that is the first and last time i will speak anything of this whole fucked up situation... anyways... i would seriously like for someone **namely andrea** to help me tie the rope around my neck... i cannot deal with this shit... the whole car slash graduation slash job slash moving out issue... its way more of a complicated issue than what a normal person would have with this.. this is all unnecessary... BLAH... goneness...
-------------------------------------joshness
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| things... are looking up |
[25 May 2004|02:44pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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none |
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talked to mr. pond today... gave me my options... since i never took the simulator or the range or the road test because of a lack of a learners permit when i was in tenth grade i could either stay for summer school for 8 to ten days... or (and i think this totally nullifies the requirement of simulator or range) pay mr. perez who is an administrator at my school to take the road test with him... he owns his own student driving company called AAA...how original.. anyways... he made it sound like i would only have to do that with mr. perez instead of staying for summer school.... i seriously need to be able to drive before the summer... i start work in a few weeks in greenbriar... and my dad wont wake up early as hell every morning to take me there anymore... so i HAVE GOT TO HAVE THIS... anyways... yeah... other than that... people once again stole some food from me... and i didnt even have that much to begin with..so now im hungry... and of course there is nothing in the house.. everyone except me is way too busy to get groceries... but.. had i the abitlity to do so.. id be at wal mart getting groceries.... thanks to mom and dad for losing my social security card and birth certificate... that is the whole reason why im just now getting my license at 18...so hopefully ill have it before school gets out... ugh.. i hate that this is now the majority of what im yacking about in my lj... i sowwy.. goneness...
----------------------------------------------joshness
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| all long term plans----set back |
[24 May 2004|03:16pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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mudvayne---nothing to gein |
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ugh.... shitty day... first off i woke up late... and i was at thomass house this morning.... so i rushed my ass off.... then i get there... and i get my lunch from anne who packs it everyday.... i get to 2nd bell... people just start tearing into my lunch like they are assuming i want them to have any? and the whole bell people one after another just came up and asked me for shit.. like can you buy this for me? do you have this? can you find that? can i borrow this? every 5 fucking seconds... afterwards i go to third.... that wasnt bad... then i go see mr. pond about getting my green card for drivers ed... and all of a sudden like a whole bunch of people rush in and start asking HIM a million and one questions... right in the middle of our conversation!! FUCKING IDIOTS!! then he says come back tomorrow morning in first bell... ugh. this shit is never gonna get done at this rate... im gonna be out of a car... out of a job for a little while... and out of money... so then... i wont be able to pay my insurance.... and i wont be able to move out by the end of the year.... unless i can find a way to save up some money... this is why i want anarchy... you wouldnt have to worry about shit like this.. the only thing i wanna have to worry about is whether i wake up or not... not about insurance or a car or a job.... i just want to worry about survival... and i understand that people would be killing people... but thats all you would have to worry about... whether you were gonna wake up or not... blah... goneness....
---------------------joshness
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| shittay |
[23 May 2004|01:59pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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The Folksmen----"blood on the coal" |
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first off, i will have to apologize to andrea for saying THE deftones... who knew that the word THE would cause such controversy... lol :p anyways... i had a shitty saturday... i litterally sat in this chair for 11 hours... but you know what they say... if youre bored then youre boring... so i spose im boring.. and you can tell very well by what i put in my lj... now its sunday.. hopefully thomas will be around soon.. he says we are supposed to be doing something.. i got my cell activated!! its still the same number 621 5780... but yeah.. this entry is a product of boredom..blah... im goneness...
----------joshness
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| mmmmm mmmmmmm BITCH tee hee |
[22 May 2004|02:26pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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orgy--------"Gender" |
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yep... just.. sitting here.. on saturday... the only good thing is i have the damn house to myself.... noone to hang out with though.. **excessively bored** noone to talk to.. cept the few people that are online... anyways... last night was ok.. me and daniel went to fujis... kyles band was awesome as fuck... they sounded just like the deftones.. and the singing as well...I LOVE THE DEFTONES!! and that was about the only good part of that night... then we went to daniels and went to sleep.. morning came and i found myself struggling to find a ride home. so i got my neighbor to pick me up.. i hate getting her to do shit like that... blah.. never anything important is what i put in here..iiii hope i do something tonight... anyways... im gonna blow... bye byeeeeeeee
-------------------------------------------joshness
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| O_O |
[21 May 2004|07:13pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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late night with conan obrien |
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let me start off this entry by proclaiming that andrea heichert has the single most BEAUTIMOUS pics ever to be created!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i dont think she wants me to post them.. but yeah... had to let you all know that...
im hopefully going to this show to see my friend kyle play.. love him! and i got mah new cell today as well! i just have to figure out how to activate my damn number.. anyways..... ill hopefully be able to drive charles by this tuesday... cuz hes just sitting in the driveway... very lonely... i am going now.... and andrea dont you say a negative word or you are dead missy! <3 byeeeeeee
--------------------------joshnessssssssss
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| RAAARRRR |
[20 May 2004|07:46pm] |
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mood |
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aggravated |
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hrrmm... real pissed... cant get my shit ill tuesday... cuz of moms job... gay asses... anyways..... i gotta get my proof of passing of drivers ed tomorrow so i couldnt go either way.... and that blows... but yeah.. i will be getting my plates on this weekend which is good... and by the time next weekend roles around i will be at the beach bitches! so im sorry to my people that i told we would prolly go to the beach... of course shit has to happen.. its me... whatever can go wrong will go wrong... but anyways...it will hopefully be me annai richard maxx and jessica going... and hopefully daniel... twill be much fun! so yeah... im done bitching... im going.. bye byeeeeeee
-----------------------------------------joshness
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